Sorryville, Michigan
09 December, 2007
Recently, the BBC reported that an Indian married a bitch (Note for prudes: bitch also means a female dog) in a Hindu temple to ward off a curse. Apparently, the man was repenting the physical harm he had caused a pair of dogs years ago. The BBC, which reports scientifically verifiable rational events such as the appearance of the apparition of the Virgin Mary respectfully, called this homo-canine wedding a superstition.
The news of the wedding was received with disbelief and shock by the esteemed members of Navyshastra, a US-based advocacy group that specializes in apologizing. Navyshastra members chartered a flight to India to investigate the matter. Upon reaching the village, they realized that the wedding had already been over. The bitch...err the bride, clad in a dazzling red silk saree, had turned to the trash as usual. The groom, inebriated with his regular dose of local toddy, was blissfully asleep.
Joysweet Capolla, the chairwoman of Navyshastra, intently watched the bitch rummage the trash. She then announced in a solemn, melancholic voice: "This bitch is a Dalit." As the stunned villagers listened, Joysweet spoke on: "The groom has not consummated his wedding to this bitch only because she is a Dalit. Had she been a Brahmin or any upper caste, the bitch would be in her nuptial bed now enjoying marital bliss. She has been neglected because she is a Dalit." Joysweet's voice choked and tears flowed down her cheeks. She did not wipe those tears though, and vowed to wipe them only after justice has been meted out to the bitch.
The villagers were impressed with Joysweet's vow uttered with an American accent. They drew parallels between her vow and Draupadi's epic vow, and wondered if Joysweet is Draupadi incarnate. Joysweet was humility personified, and set about her noble task completely oblivious to the effect she has had on the villagers. She declared:
"Things were different 14 billion years ago when bitches not only chanted the Vedas but also officiated as priests and even initiated other bitches and dogs into Vedic rites. Then everything changed because evil Brahmins took those rights away. Navyshastra apologies to bitches for this denial of spiritual rights. As an act of repentence, I will initiate this Dalit bitch as a Brahmin by giving her the sacred thread."
Joysweet then approached the bitch with a sacred thread. Vincent Mashlan, the resident saint of Navyshastra whose beatification is in process, started chanting the Vedic chants loud from a book using English transliteration. The bitch was startled and tried to run away but Navyshastra activists restrained it because they cared for her spiritual well being more than her earthly freedom. Within minutes, the bitch received her Brahminical initiation, and a sacred thread adorned her canine shouders. Navyshastra activists began to cry in ecstasy. The villagers celebrated.
The festive mood was suddenly interrupted. A svelte woman walked in and announced in a firm voice: "I am Rhoda Kristina Perrier from Blue Cross, the animal rights group. You are violating this bitch's rights by converting her to Brahmin. I will not allow this. I am here to set the bitch free." She set about rescuing the bitch. The bitch's spiritual emancipation seemed to be in peril.
Well, not so soon. Patterson Raja, a Navyshastra activist from Malaysia, rose to the occasion. He was frothing at his mouth. He grabbed Rhoda Kristina by her hair and started beating her and yelling at her: "You are a Malayalee. In Malaysia, I have been tirelessly campaigning against Malayalees for decades because no Malayalee woman ever wanted to marry me. I will have my revenge today." Patterson was so overcome by emotions at the sight of a Malayalee woman that he went down on his knees and began to weep. He then uttered a few expletives and passed out. That was all the respite Rhoda needed. She ran for her life.
At that juncture Joysweet spoke again: "We have achieved our objective of rendering justice to the Dalit bitch. We have triumphed." She then wiped her tears off with Kleenex tissue. A vow had been fulfilled. The crowd cheered. Navyshastra activists returned to the USA. Aaron Conti, an advisor to Navyshastra and a fitness instructor at Christian Sisters' Elementary school congratulated Navyshastra for implementing the vison of Jesus.
About Navyshastra: In a bygone era, evil Brahmins of India created injunctions against seafaring. This caused discrimination against navy and seriously crippled the efficacy of navies. Navyshastra was formed with the intent of apologizing to various navies of the world and to rewrite scriptures to favor navies - hence the name Navyshastra. Navyshastra has already apologized to the navies of Portugal and Spain because Brahminical injunctions diluted the efficacy of these medieval navies against Native Americans and Asians. Our apology towards the US Navy is forthcoming.
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